Many children and adolescents have difficulty processing emotions when they encounter an undesirable situation. De-escalation is a way to help them maintain control before they reach a level where their response is either emotionally or physically harmful.
What is de-escalation?
De-escalation is a set of tools a parent or caregiver can use to help children work through strong emotions, such as anger or frustration. It's important to note that de-escalation is not telling someone what to do, how to think, or how to behave. Rather, de-escalation involves meeting the person where they're at in the moment and helping them process their feelings in a way that's meaningful and positive to them.
A significant part of de-escalation is recognizing an escalation before it occurs. Sometimes, when people get very upset or emotional, they end up in a crisis situation, one that could put themselves or somebody else at risk of being hurt.
Children are not always able to put their thoughts into words, so they may not be able to express mounting frustration until they're acting on their feelings. Common signs of escalation include loss of eye contact, restlessness, disengaging from conversation, or getting very quiet suddenly. In some cases, escalation causes an individual to lash out in order to provoke a response.
De-escalation techniques
If you notice a child is becoming agitated, here are some de-escalation strategies to try. The acronym "HALT" helps you remember questions to consider or directly ask your child to try to identify the source of the frustration.
- Could your child be Hungry?
- Could your child be Angry?
- Could your child be Lonely?
- Could your child be Tired?
Even if your child is too young to communicate effectively, you can ask these questions out loud to help them start identifying their feelings. This will also help them to check in with themselves later in life and start them on a path of being able to manage their own emotions.
Another option is to stay somewhat silent, rather than pressing a child or adolescent about the "why" behind their potential escalation. They may just need to get out their feelings in the form of a scream or a big cry without any interruption from the adult in the room. The essential thing to remember is to create a space of non-judgment.
Avoiding the power struggle
Of course, there will be times when a power struggle emerges, when both parent and child start to escalate together. It's important to recognize when such a situation is starting and to take a moment to pause. That doesn't mean that a parent or caregiver gives in or gives up. There's a difference between giving in and meeting somebody where they're at with their needs.
The most important thing, as a parent, is to remove your ego. Focus on the person who is in distress, take yourself out of it, and determine how you can best help them while they learn how to help themselves through emotional times.
Get help when you need it
It's important to realize that you are not alone in trying to help your child work through big feelings and any outbursts that may come with them. Reach out to friends, family, or a trusted professional to vent your own feelings about the situation and ask for help. Or join a parenting support group, such as the Psychoeducational Psychotherapy (PEP) Group at Bradley Hospital.
The evidence-based PEP group helps parents and caregivers of children ages 7-13 by providing education on childhood mood disorders and effective treatments as well as a safe space to talk with other adults working through similar concerns with their children. Learn more about the group on our website, or call 401-432-1119.
Real Life De-escalation Strategies
Find a Doctor
